I once was a side chick
Somehow I allowed myself to fall from number one to being number two
I assumed that, the love was still the same and no matter who was there my love would always be the realest to you
I fostered every excuse for you
I denied that you did any wrong for you
I, swallowed my pride, looked myself in the eyes and happily denied your lies

 

You told me that you loved me
Gave me enough kisses to believe it were true
You, created false companionship so I would stay true to you
I believed that all you’ve done was do to me mistreating you
I allowed you to do whatever you wanted to do

I forced myself to forget how you made me question my own mind
How you made me look in the mirror and repeatedly feed myself lies
I know I did wrong sometimes but a lot of my actions were created by your lies

Somehow I forced myself to believe I was the cause of you cheating on me
Starting a whole new relationship with a female that wasn’t even a step up from me
I wondered what you didn’t see in me
And then it hit me

Somehow you believe a woman with no voice is what you need
A woman who is too dumb to challenge your lies
You wanted a woman who was okay with accepting your lies
You wanted a woman that was weak
And stupidly in my quest for your acceptance I tried to replicate these things
I tried to be less abrasive
I tried to be more of a fly on the wall than a bear in the room
I tried to silence my greatness so I could be accepted by you
I swallowed your pills of verbal abuse
I assumed that all the things you’ve done is due to what I have done to you

I forced myself to forget the naked pictures of the girls in your phone that lead me to slapping all piss out of you
I forced myself to forget the “I miss you” text messages you would send while I was sitting right next to you
I forced myself to forget that you sent the next bitch flowers at work while I was laying in bed with you
I forced myself to forget that I threw away my self respect for you

I allowed myself to become the side chick
I believed every negative thing you said about me
I was almost like a sad dog weeping at its owners knees
All I wanted was for you to accept me
To love me
Completely

I never wanted to but I have to admit
I understand the role of a side chick
So caught up in love and wanting desperately for you to commit
Believing every word you say so sadly we end up in a one sided relationship
Doing all we can to get one more kiss
Waiting by the phone to hear your voice on the other end
Being stood up on dates you never planned to keep
Getting yelled at when addressing what you have done to me
Being called stupid when I speak on my dreams
But the final straw for me is when you said why go hard for someone who is not going hard for me

Somehow those few words made me snap into reality
I realized I was giving my all and you probably never even loved me
How could it be love when five years you were fine with sideling me
While I pushed away every kind heart that attempted to truly love me

I am finally okay with admitting that I was once the side chick
I am also okay with admitting that for five years you kept me in hiding
No Instagram, no Facebook, no friend could know you were around me
Turning off my phone so you could “trust me”
Doing all you wanted so you would want me
I’m okay with admitting that I was accepting your lying
I’m okay with admitting that you were abusive and I denied it

You told me I didn’t know how to love
But now I see that it wasn’t me but you
Now I see that you were not ready for me just like I was not ready for you

Its okay
I get it now

The confessions of a side chick

About The Author

DaRuddest Jones

DaRuddest Jones is a LGBT Spoken Word Artist, Event Coordinator, Blogger, Producer, Director, Personality, Manager, Facilitator, Writer and Host from the Bronx N.Y.

Daruddest Jones is the CEO, Founder and Artistic Director of Rude T.ee V.ee Productions LLC & writer for Unheard Voices Magazine. She is also a former member of Street Poets NYC.

DaRuddest has been in performance since the age of 4. She’s done everything from African dancing with Laraque Bey to singing background for Jerome Brooks. She’s worked with the great George Faison for a number of yrs with a group called the Respect Project where she would sing, rap, act, dance and of course do spoken word.

DaRuddest has also been honored with the opportunity to work with the highly honored and highly favored Dr. Maya Angelou as well as many other well know and established artist.

DaRuddest competed in a VIBE Magazine Spoken Word Artist competition and was crowned with second place and she has every desire to acquire the number one spot when given the chance again.

DaRuddest Jones has performed at the National Black Theater Festival in North Carolina as well as local venues such as the 5spot, Brooklyn Exposure, HK lounge, Karma, Billie’s Black, 3rdEyeSolation, The Street Poets Den, Moca Lounge, Marfa, Living Gallery, Voodoo lounge and many other locations.

DaRuddest Jones has been the Host for Centric Spotlight at the Voodoo lounge located in Brooklyn NY and for Private Affairs monthly erotica showcase at Amarachi Lounge also located in Brooklyn NY.

DaRuddest Jones had her first showcase entitled, DaRuddest Jones presents Rude T.ee V.ee, introducing her vision to support and promote spoken word artist and their dream to make it. As an extension of that DaRuddest started a monthly open mic / showcase that she held in the heart of Harlem. At the showcase she focuses on bridging the gap between Poetry and Hip Hop.

DaRuddest is the creator and director of a annual artist showcase entitled, Memoirs of a Starving Artist also known as Moasa. Moasa was created to give new artist leverage and experience. Being apart of Moasa exposes all artist involved to free stage training, free promotion, an opportunity to make money and media exposure. Moasa is opened to all art forms.

DaRuddest is determined to penetrate the entertainment industry and show the world that poetry is not intended to only be underground.

Besides her undying love for performance art DaRuddest Jones is also very interested in the development of the youth in the inner city. DaRuddest Jones teaches at after school programs through out the New York City area. In her classes she helps her students become aware of the world around them, aware of their own greatness as well as holding group discussions on any topic of their liking. Topics included but not limited to racism, apartheid’s, American History, Local News and so much more. DaRuddest Jones believes in groom kids to be not just leaders but Kings and Queens.

DaRuddest Jones has been blessed with powerful experiences and amazing people. All she wants it to give the world all the greatness that it has given to her.

DaRuddest Jones is a character that cannot and will not be held back. She lives by her words and guarantees that you will feel every one.

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